Hi! I am a recovering conflict avoidant addict.

Honestly, if we were to ask 100 random individuals, I would suspect there would be a very high number that are like me, CONFLICT AVOIDANT.

Many couples typically have one member of the marriage relationship who is more passionate in their pursuit of finding a safe connection. This means they would throw caution to the wind when it comes to thinking about conflict and whether they should avoid it or not. When I am speaking of conflict I am not speaking to the aggressive and toxic nature of hurting or punishing with words and behavior. That kind of dynamic absolutely needs to be avoided due to its destructive capabilities.

Here are a few common topics of conflicts within a marriage relationship:

1. Finances – Spending vs. saving, budgeting

2. Intimacy – Frequency, individual desires

3. Careers – Who is the bread winner, work life balance, too much vs. too little

4. Kids – Expectations, discipline, stressors on the marriage

5. Chores – Household responsibilities, gender role responsibilities, personal preferences

EVERY relationship will experience conflict on some level or another. This experience will not just be a one-time event. The truth is you can learn something about YOURSELF even in a conflict with a loved one. Conflict can teach you a lot about what you want to protect or preserve about your self. When conflict is present with you and your spouse, if you will stop, take a moment, ask yourself, “What am I truly feeling about this conflict/disagreement?” “What am I caring so much about to argue?”

You can learn a lot about yourself and the primary emotion that is being challenged. It might be a sense of fear that you will be disrespected. It might be that you are afraid of being neglected. It might be that you are unsure of the future and that uncertainty is making you anxious. It is worth communicating with your spouse about this emotion. This communication will be the first step in discovering a more secure attachment; one that is emotionally safe and reassuring.

So put away the boxing gloves of defensiveness and step away from the podium of debate. Instead, spend some time with your partner explaining what the conflict is revealing to you about what is out of balance.