For many people the holiday season conjures up images of warmth and joy, expectation and wonder, and celebration of faith and family. But for others, the arrival of the holiday season is a startling reminder of the loss of a treasure that they can never get back. Now this might sound like I am referring to the death of a loved one, and that can certainly be true, but it can also be the loss of something far less visible—a treasure that is there in memories of Christmas Past but is no longer there in Christmas Present.
Perhaps it is a loss of a dream for what you thought your future (or a loved one’s) would look like. Or a loss of independence you once had. A loss of your identity or loss of a role. A loss of faith. A loss of a marriage or a close relationship. A loss of health. A loss of a career. A loss of financial security. A loss of your reputation. A loss of innocence or hope… The list goes on; you fill in the blank.
Christmas, more than any other holiday, has the ability to remind us of the rhythm of life that thrums on whether we like it or not. The Christmas tree is the same, but we are changed, and so is everyone around us.
This ache of the soul is one that only those who have tasted great happiness (and then lost it) can understand. We are wired by our Creator to experience great joy and pleasure from His good gifts. But with that same capacity to love and feel joy, we also have the capacity for great suffering when we lose the gift that we so cherished.
Much like Ebeneezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ classic tale “A Christmas Carol”, regrets from (or longings for) Christmas Past can rob us of the ability to enjoy Christmas Present. And while it might feel counterintuitive (because we, by nature, will do anything to avoid pain), the healing for our souls often comes from willingly entering the pain, rather than fighting it. After all, when we deny those tender places of our soul through distraction and “self-medication”, we are simply delaying our suffering (and adding to it!).
With that delay, we experience many symptoms of grief, while our emotions are hopelessly tangled like strands of Christmas lights. Among these symptoms of grief are emptiness, helplessness, stress, fear, anger, loneliness, guilt, exhaustion or lethargy, addiction, ‘brain fog’ or feeling disoriented, unforgiveness, chronic pain, regret, bitterness…
Now we know that salt on a wound stings, but we endure its sharpness for a time because it cleanses the wound and begins the healing process. But how do we do this for our souls? This may be a place for you to start:
-Name the ‘hidden’ or unrecognized things that you have lost. This helps to blow away the fog and “untangle” the emotions. It also gives dignity to your suffering. Use the list above if you need help getting started or consider one of the book resources below.
-Talk to God, a trusted friend or counselor, or others in a faith community about what you have lost and how this loss has affected you. Give voice to your questions and express your confusion or anger. Suffering is not meant to be endured alone. Chances are, someone else can relate to your story in some way. And sitting with someone while they are suffering is a tangible expression of God With Us, Emmanuel, the very message of Christmas.
-Give yourself space and time to mourn (but not all at once). Consider picking a time and place for this purpose on a regular basis during your season of grieving. If you are afraid that you will lose yourself in your pain, set a timer or schedule another activity as a bookend on your time designated for grieving. You do not have to grieve all at once, nor are you able to do so. You are simply dedicating time for the purpose of honoring your loss.
-Grieve using your body and not just your mind. Lament through painting, music, dance, writing, building or carving something, creating a collage of photos or mementos, or other productive types of movement--and yes, crying or even screaming -- to release the physical pressure of your pain. Bottom line, give yourself a tangible way to express the ache of your soul.
-Find others who are suffering and do something to ease their pain. Perhaps it is through meeting a practical need of a meal or childcare or through volunteering. Or maybe it is through being a listening ear as they share their story with you. The paradox is that though they share their load with you, your burden becomes lighter through serving, rather than heavier, and theirs does as well.
-Give yourself permission to live again (but at a slower pace) and experience pleasure and wonder from the everyday gifts you have in the present. This does not mean you stop grieving. But you can also choose to live, in spite of your pain. Joy and lament are different sides of the same coin—and your capacity to feel both pleasure and pain. This is truly living and we cannot have one without the other.
And like Ebeneezer Scrooge, you may be surprised at how much freer you are to feel happiness again, when you are not running from the pain of the past but embracing it as part of your story. And in turn, you may even give yourself (and others) the gift of Christmas Future.
For more guidance on your healing journey from a spiritual perspective of a fellow sufferer, try reading “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst or “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser. Or reach out to a counselor at The Fountains Counseling. We would consider it an honor to walk with you on your journey.
--Jennifer Cranford
*Posted additionally at www.lost-found-counseling.com
Author
Jennifer Cranford, MA, LPC