Life OR Death?

Restraint OR Freedom?

Peace OR Conflict?

If I were to ask you to select one word out of each phrase above (just your gut reaction), which one would you pick? If you are like most people, you would probably choose the word in each pair that seems more positive (Life, Freedom, & Peace!). Of course, who wouldn’t want these things?! In all of these word pairs, these words each seem to be in conflict with each other. But in actuality, they can BOTH be true. Let me explain…

Our country just had its birthday on July 4th and this holiday illustrates this idea perfectly.

Without our American soldiers’ “voluntary” deaths, we would not have the ability to enjoy Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness in the USA. Without our veterans’ and soldiers’ Restraint (comforts, physical discipline of their bodies, being away from their families), we would not have our Freedoms of speech and worship. And without Conflict through battles/wars, we would not have the ability to enjoy times of Peace. Thus, in reality, this July we celebrate and honor BOTH:

Life AND Death

Restraint AND Freedom

Peace AND Conflict

In our daily lives, we often shortchange ourselves with a similar kind of black-and-white thinking as above. When it comes to hurtful relationships, we may ask ourselves, “Should I forgive this person OR cut him/her out of my life?” Additionally, a well-meaning friend could tell you “It was not okay for that person to treat you disrespectfully BUT you have to forgive him/her and just accept that this is the way he/she is.” (This advice implies that the hurt was not bad enough to justify change/confrontation. And this also puts you in the position of victim.)

Indeed, when we connect these opposite phrases with OR or BUT, it implies that one value is more important than the other—very much like unbalanced scales:

Yet, when we allow ourselves to consider what appear to be contradictory ideas at the same time, we can validate the pain/injustice of the situation AND find a way to create change that is inside our control. This is because it allows BOTH sides of the scale to matter equally. One side of the scale is not more important than the other. Let’s put this principle to the test…

Here are some practical things you can tell yourself in the areas of:

Relationships:

I can choose to forgive someone who continues to hurt me AND choose not to trust them.

I can forgive AND stay in a relationship where a person apologizes, makes changes, and treats me with respect.

I can forgive AND end a relationship that continues not to be healthy or respectful.

I can forgive AND still have boundaries.

I can disagree with someone AND still understand his/her perspective.

Fear/Anxiety:

I can be afraid AND act courageously.

I can be scared AND take action to protect myself, while facing my fears.

I can recognize the danger/size of my enemy AND be at peace, knowing that God is with me.

I can accept that I am out of control in this aspect of my life AND realize I am not out of control in another area.

Loss/Grief:

I can feel disappointment that my dream was not realized AND can create a new dream.

I can grieve AND still choose to live.

I can cry AND laugh.

Anger:

I can be angry AND kind.

Emotional or Spiritual Abuse:

I can forgive a past leader who abused his/her authority AND choose not to follow that individual anymore.

I can understand why someone abused others (when I know his/her story) AND still expose the injustice or confront it to prevent it from happening again.

Spiritual Confusion/Anger:

I can dislike what God is doing/not doing right now AND trust Him anyway.

Would you consider taking some time today to ask yourself where you are feeling trapped, devalued, or anxious and practice this principle?: I can _________ AND still _________. Then notice how this realization affects your emotions. It is my hope and prayer that you will find peace and clarity as you begin to see your specific situation in balance!

Still stuck? Reach out to a counselor at The Fountains Counseling. We would consider it an honor to walk with you on your journey toward emotional freedom!

*Posted additionally at www.lost-found-counseling.com