Alright, without thinking too long or thinking too deep, when I say the word “intimacy,” what is the first thing that comes to mind?

If this was a public forum where we were in a conference like setting, I am sure most would be hesitant to divulge what came to mind. That is perfectly ok. That actually reveals much of why this particular area for couples is so challenging.

Intimacy is not something that is easily defined. Intimacy comes from the Latin word intimare which means to impress or make familiar and the word intimus which means inmost, innermost. It is defined in the dictionary as closely acquainted, familiar, something of a personal or private nature. Intimate can be an adjective, noun, or verb.

Intimacy is something I am looking for in couples when they come to see me in the counseling room. When a couple comes in to discuss their relationship/marriage I am looking to see if this exists within their interaction (speech, behavior, non-verbal communication). You can tell a lot about a couple just by observing how close they sit on a couch. It is not surprising that not many people are willing to be intimate with someone that they do not trust.

Because intimacy is thought of differently, I want to make sure I work on the area, with couples, that best helps their connection with each other. I break intimacy down to 6 areas of focus:

PSYCHOLOGICAL INTIMACY
Primarily includes honesty, trust, commitment, and loyalty. It is the absence of mind games. If you take any of these elements out of a relationship arguing and fighting will be the most likely outcome. Psychological intimacy also means that mind games are not a part of the relationship.

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
Involves the sharing of emotions. In relationships where emotions (happy, sad, upset, excited, joyful, worried, etc.) can be openly shared without reservation, the likely outcome is feeling safe in one another’s presence. Couples who have developed emotional intimacy understand and allow each other to have both good and bad emotions without judgment or criticism of the emotion.

VERBAL INTIMACY
The key element behind verbal intimacy is self-disclosure. Self-disclosure involves sharing thoughts, goals, plans, ideas, dreams, and passions. Couples who share verbal intimacy can take any topic of conversation and enjoy their conversation.

PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Includes touching, kissing, holding each other, and being sexually one with another. If things are going well in a relationship, physical intimacy is generally a positive experience. However, when physical intimacy is a problem, the rest of the relationship suffers.

INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY
Includes common personality traits and qualities that couples share together. The sharing of interests in common skills, hobbies, and talents is common. When couples have intellectual intimacy, they can talk for hours about their common interests. They talk about their future life together. They create their story together. Over time couples end up getting caught up in the routines of life and forget to nurture the intellectual part of their relationship. Couples who continue to develop intellectual intimacy continue growing together throughout their marriage.

SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
Forms when two people share spiritual experiences together. This may be through praying together, attending religious services together, and even reading spiritual texts together. Couples who share spiritual intimacy share their beliefs in a higher power with another in ways that draw them closer together.

I will introduce these different levels and then ask the couples to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 where they see the relationship (10 being good and 1 being bad). In session I ask them to think of the number and then on the count of 3 I ask them to state that number out loud. Later on, after a few meetings I will do this exercise again with them to evaluate the improved areas.

If you happen to try this exercise with your companion and find there to be a low number in any one of the areas, you might ask what could be done for that number to go up one or two numbers. Allow this to be a teaching moment and an opportunity for you to learn something that EVERY couple works on…intimate connection.

Sometimes getting help is ok even if there is not a significant problem. If you find that you need assistance in working on these issues in your relationship, or just want to talk about doing better in any of these areas, please contact us at The Fountains Counseling Center.

The different levels of intimacy comes from the article:Why Addictions Are Intimacy Killersby Dr. Kevin B Skinner, LMFT (published in 2007)