Note to Self

Many years ago when my children were younger, we made a trip to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World. Being the planner that I was, I mapped out each day’s agenda with precision—fast pass line at this time, show at this time, ride at this time, which of course was directly on the way to our lunch reservation... The only problem was that in spite of all my planning there was always an unanticipated obstacle to my plans—an unexpected rain shower, a lost park pass, a stubbed toe that made travel slower...  So each time we would get into one of those long lines, out would come the park map and show schedule as I made another revision to my plan—because of course I didn't want my time in line to be wasted.  Naturally, I found myself easily irritated at the setbacks and tense while trying to make each of these self-imposed deadlines, but it wasn't until a decade later that I realized that it didn't have to be that way.  For those of us who struggle with worry, the idea of actually enjoying life seems like a mirage that is always just out of reach and something that only others can achieve.  But if I could send a note to my younger self (smuggled into the park map, of course), this is what it would say...

Stop.  Take a deep breath and take a good look around. What do you see? I would see the way my daughter would curl up against her daddy when he tickled her ribs, my son’s head tilted back in laughter, eyes wide, as he managed to sneak ice down my shirt while my head was bent over my map, the crinkle around my husband’s eyes at his laughter... What do you hear?  I would hear the high pitched giggle of a 7-year-old boy whose voice has now deepened with time... What do you feel? I feel the hot sweaty hand of my little 4-year-old girl that fit just perfectly in mine. What do you smell? I smell the hot buttery popcorn wafting over to us in line. What do you taste?  I taste the sweet cotton candy at the corner of my lips from earlier.  And what do you feel with your heart?  I feel joy.  And yes, some worry, but a tension that wouldn't stay.  It would float right by on the breeze along with the buttered popcorn.

What I've just described is a very simple mindfulness practice that you can use anywhere you are this summer.  Researchers tell us that by the act of paying full attention to what your five senses perceive in the present moment, you can reduce stress and increase your ability to enjoy the little moments of life.  Mindfulness anchors you to the present moment—therefore preventing you from lingering in regrets of the past or dwelling in the worries of the future. 

This summer why don't you give this practice a try?  And for those who would like a deeper dive into mindfulness from a spiritual perspective (and are looking for a good book to read by the pool!), try Holy Noticing by Charles Stone or One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. And for those chronic worriers who would like some extra tools or support, give us a call at The Fountains Counseling.  Our counselors understand how heavy anxiety can be and can help you find the joy that is closer than you realize.

But back to the mom from Disney World—Has she mastered the art of mindfulness this many years later?  Certainly not.  I wrote half of this article in my head while walking in my neighborhood before I recognized what I was doing!  But do you know what I did next?  I spent the second half of my walk noticing the texture and shape of the oak leaves high in the trees, the buzz of a drone as a grandfather and young boy piloted it-- heads tilted together, the soft wind on the back of my neck... This time I didn't miss it, and I felt…peace.

To book a session Click Here or call 682-207-4824.

Author

Jennifer Cranford, MA, LPC Associate
Supervised by J. Scott Floyd, Ph.D, LPC-S

Feeling Stuck

My son has a fanatical love for the game of UNO—or more accurately a fanatical love for making me squeal when he has managed to play repeated Draw Fours, Reverses, and Skips all at the end of the round—causing me to lose the game. And more than once, each of us has mistaken a 9 for a 6 when it was our turn to strategically end the game in our own favor.  We know to look for the line below the 6, but for some reason, when the card is sitting upside down in our hands, in a moment of haste, we see the number as its opposite identity. After all, a 9 is a 6 upside down, right? 

It's not that different in life—sometimes we have attacked a problem in our life with vigor. We struggle with depression, anxiety, a difficult relationship, or addiction and we pull out all of our finely-tuned strategies to conquer it and leave it behind.  After all, we have successfully fought this monster before, so why should this time be any different? But for some reason, this time the problem doesn't budge. In fact, if anything the problem may seem to grow and deepen until we may begin to wonder if we are actually the problem, and not the problem, itself.  

It is times like these that we can benefit from looking at the problem from a different perspective. Like the cartoon I saw recently which showed a boat approaching an island, its occupant enthusiastically shouting “Land!” while the islander frantically shouted, “Boat!” Sometimes the problem may actually be the solution to a bigger problem we've been trying to solve for years. Depression may actually be the catalyst that points us to the God alone who will never leave us. Or anxiety may be the tool that finally teaches us to let go of control so that we can find peace. 

Or there is always a possibility that the problem truly is a beast that needs to be slain but that we don't have the power to fight it alone. We need new tools or maybe just someone to sit with us in our pain, asking us questions, as we process our thoughts and feelings aloud. We may need someone to tell us that they are with us while we are suffering—giving us the courage to get back up and try again. Or, perhaps each of the problems alone would be easily defeated, but because they have begun to intertwine with each other they now seem to sustain each other and create confusion as to which problem is actually at the root of the others. And, as is often the case, it is a mixture of all of the above.

If this describes you, there are some things that you can do to get a bird’s-eye view of the problems that are overwhelming you. Within the next week, find some time alone to make a list of the things that are bothering you.  Look to see if there are any patterns to the items on the list and connect them with lines or arrows.  Now take that list and put the things that are inside your control in a circle on a new piece of paper. Draw a square around that and put the things on your list that are outside of your control in the square. What you see inside the circle is your starting point to make some changes.  Ask yourself—'Do I need any extra tools or resources to address the things inside the circle?  Am I still feeling overwhelmed with finding a starting point?’  If so, you might choose to share your list with someone close to you that you trust to see what patterns he/she observes. 

Sometimes, however, you may need an objective eye (outside of your family/friends) to help you process these thoughts.  If so, please give us a call.  At The Fountains Counseling Center, our counselors are familiar with the complexity of these patterns and are trained to help you make these discoveries for yourself. They will sit with you, listen to you, encourage you, and help you figure out what next steps are needed to get unstuck.  Who knows?... it could be that the next card you draw will be the Reverse card that changes the entire direction of the game!

To book a session Click Here or call 682-207-4824.

Author

Jennifer Cranford, MA, LPC Associate
Supervised by J. Scott Floyd, Ph.D, LPC-S

Identify Safe and Unsafe Relationships

I want to share with you about how to identify safe and unsafe relationships whether it’s with someone you’re dating, a spouse, a friendship, a family member, or even a co-worker. 

Some questions to ask yourself are:

• Do they accept me as I am, or do they expect me to be who or what they want or need?

  Do they have right relationships in their life or are they always full of drama that’s someone else’s fault?

• Do they totally cut people off or build walls to keep others away?

• Do they live what they believe and help you do the same?

• Encourage you?

• Make your life better?

• Hold you accountable in love and friendship?

• Can you hold them accountable in love and friendship without them becoming defensive and causing conflict?

• Are they more negative than positive?

• Have a hard time with forgiveness?

• Do they make demands instead of asking or requesting politely?

Reevaluate your level of stress with this person or people. Evaluate how hard it is to have positive interactions with them instead of negative. 

We’re imperfect people, and selfish mistakes can be made in all relationships. But if you find yourself in constant stress and consistently feeling as if you can’t measure up to this person, they’re not safe. 

The good news is you can change your situation… 

Make a conscious decision to surround yourself with people who are positive, accept you for who you are, always growing, open to your opinions, have your back, and respect your personal boundaries. 

Only you can determine the kind of life you want to live, and only you can give others permission to speak into your life and be a part of your life. 

If you need help in taking the step to change your relationship, we have great counselors at The Fountains Counseling Center who would be willing to walk this journey with you. Call or schedule an appointment Online. There’s always hope for you.

Author

Jena Bennett, MA, LPC

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Working On Intimacy

Alright, without thinking too long or thinking too deep, when I say the word “intimacy,” what is the first thing that comes to mind?

If this was a public forum where we were in a conference like setting, I am sure most would be hesitant to divulge what came to mind. That is perfectly ok. That actually reveals much of why this particular area for couples is so challenging. 

Intimacy is not something that is easily defined. Intimacy comes from the Latin word intimare which means to impress or make familiar and the word intimus which means inmost, innermost. It is defined in the dictionary as closely acquainted, familiar, something of a personal or private nature. Intimate can be an adjective, noun, or verb.

Intimacy is something I am looking for in couples when they come to see me in the counseling room. When a couple comes in to discuss their relationship/marriage I am looking to see if this exists within their interaction (speech, behavior, non-verbal communication). You can tell a lot about a couple just by observing how close they sit on a couch. It is not surprising that not many people are willing to be intimate with someone that they do not trust. 

Because intimacy is thought of differently, I want to make sure I work on the area, with couples, that best helps their connection with each other. I break intimacy down to 6 areas of focus: 

• PSYCHOLOGICAL INTIMACY 

  Primarily includes honesty, trust, commitment, and loyalty. It is the absence of mind games. If you take any of these elements out of a relationship arguing and fighting will be the most likely outcome. Psychological intimacy also means that mind games are not a part of the relationship.

• EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

  Involves the sharing of emotions. In relationships where emotions (happy, sad, upset, excited, joyful, worried, etc.) can be openly shared without reservation, the likely outcome is feeling safe in one another’s presence. Couples who have developed emotional intimacy understand and allow each other to have both good and bad emotions without judgment or criticism of the emotion.

• VERBAL INTIMACY

  The key element behind verbal intimacy is self-disclosure. Self-disclosure involves sharing thoughts, goals, plans, ideas, dreams, and passions. Couples who share verbal intimacy can take any topic of conversation and enjoy their conversation.

• PHYSICAL INTIMACY

  Includes touching, kissing, holding each other, and being sexually one with another. If things are going well in a relationship, physical intimacy is generally a positive experience. However, when physical intimacy is a problem, the rest of the relationship suffers.

• INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY

  Includes common personality traits and qualities that couples share together. The sharing of interests in common skills, hobbies, and talents is common. When couples have intellectual intimacy, they can talk for hours about their common interests. They talk about their future life together. They create their story together. Over time couples end up getting caught up in the routines of life and forget to nurture the intellectual part of their relationship. Couples who continue to develop intellectual intimacy continue growing together throughout their marriage.

• SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

  Forms when two people share spiritual experiences together. This may be through praying together, attending religious services together, and even reading spiritual texts together. Couples who share spiritual intimacy share their beliefs in a higher power with another in ways that draw them closer together.

 I will introduce these different levels and then ask the couples to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 where they see the relationship (10 being good and 1 being bad). In session I ask them to think of the number and then on the count of 3 I ask them to state that number out loud. Later on, after a few meetings I will do this exercise again with them to evaluate the improved areas. 

If you happen to try this exercise with your companion and find there to be a low number in any one of the areas, you might ask what could be done for that number to go up one or two numbers. Allow this to be a teaching moment and an opportunity for you to learn something that EVERY couple works on…intimate connection.

Sometimes getting help is ok even if there is not a significant problem. If you find that you need assistance in working on these issues in your relationship, or just want to talk about doing better in any of these areas, please contact us at The Fountains Counseling Center. 

The different levels of intimacy comes from the article:Why Addictions Are Intimacy Killersby Dr. Kevin B Skinner, LMFT (published in 2007)

Author

Zach Lowrie, MA LPC

Identifying Emotional Abuse

I want to share with you a little about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is typically difficult to identify because there are no outward marks or bruises.  

These invisible wounds leave marks of self-doubt, and feelings of worthlessness. 

Consequences of emotional abuse are just as severe as physical abuse. Research shows our bodies respond the same to emotional abuse as it does to physical.  

Here are some ways to identify if you’re dealing with an emotionally abusive person:

They have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands, you can never please them 

They invalidate you by undermining, they dismiss or distort your perceptions of reality, tell you how you should feel, accuse you of being too sensitive or crazy, and accuse you of being needy.

They create chaos by starting arguments just to argue, maybe you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

They use emotional blackmail with manipulative guilt trips, humiliate you in public and private, use your fears and values or other hot buttons to control you or the situation, exaggerate your flaws, deny an event took place even lying about it, punish by withholding affection.

They act superior and entitled and treat you like you’re less, blame you for their mistakes, even make jokes at your expense.

Finally, they attempt to isolate and control you by controlling who you spend time with sometimes claiming jealousy is an act of love, monitor phone calls and text messages, accuse you of cheating, take or hide car keys, maybe even control finances.

If you can relate to several of the listed things, even if it’s just a handful, you’re in an abusive relationship. But there’s hope and help…

Here are seven ways to deal with emotional abuse:

1. Make your mental and physical health a priority – seek counseling from a professional. Eat healthy meals, exercise, and try to get plenty of rest. Those seem small but it adds up in time. 

2. Realize you cannot change or fix the abusive person – that’s only up to them.

3. Do not engage with an abuser – don’t try to soothe, explain, or make apologies. They’ll never be good enough. Engaging sets you up for more abuse and hurt. Walk away from the situation if you can. 

4. Build a support system – Don’t be silent about the abuse. Along with counseling, spend as much time as you can with people who support and build you up. They will speak truth into your life and help you put things into perspective. Seek community in church or organizations that have the same interests as you. 

5. Depending on your situation, work on an exit plan. You may need to take steps to end the relationship. Talk about your thoughts and ideas with those in your support system. 

Know that you do have a choice and a say in your life. You can choose to be and do differently for yourself. You can choose to be healthy and to become the best version of yourself. You have authority over yourself and it’s an amazing thing…

We would love to help you and have qualified counselors at The Fountains Counseling Center so please contact us for an appointment.

Author

Jena Bennett, MA, LPC

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Eating Disorders

With the Holiday season here, many are preparing for celebrations with friends, family, and food. In our culture food has many meanings and everyone’s relationship with food is unique. 

But for some food can become a negative way to cope with stress, mental illness, or trauma. 

When this happens it can lead to an eating disorder.  An eating disorder is a psychological disorder that involves extreme disturbances in eating behavior.

Studies show approximately 30 million Americans live with an eating disorder. Females are 4 times more likely to suffer from eating disorders than males and Eating Disorders are the 3rd most chronic illness among adolescent females in the United States.

There are three main eating disorder types: anorexia,  bulimia, and binge-eating disorder.

Anorexia nervosa is identified by a refusal to eat, an intense desire to be thin, repeated dieting attempts, and excessive weight loss. Individuals with this disorder typically appear extremely thin or underweight. 

Bulimia is characterized as eating a lot of food in a short amount of time (this is called bingeing) and then purging to not gain weight. Purging means using extreme measures to quickly rid the body of food consumed during the binge phase.

Individuals with bulimia often appear to be of normal weight. 

Binge-eating disorder is described as individuals who lose control eating and consume unusually large amounts of food. However unlike bulimia, periods of binge-eating are not followed by purging. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder are often overweight or obese. Binge-eating disorder is the most common eating disorder in the U.S.

It is important to seek treatment early for eating disorders. The good news is there are effective treatments and complete recovery is possible.

The most successful treatments include counselors who can help individuals increase their coping skills, confidence, and self-esteem. In more extreme cases, a team approach including medical and nutritional professionals has been successful. 

If you or someone you know might be struggling with an eating disorder, there are resources available or reach out to the counseling center. We are here to help.

NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS HELPLINE

·       Toll-Free Phone Number: 1-800-931-2237
Hours: 9:00 AM - 9:00 PM (ET) Mon-Thurs; and 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM (ET) Fri

·       For 24/7 crisis support, text 'NEDA' to 741741

Author

Jennifer Fletcher, M.Ed., LPC Associate, LCDC

Supervised by R. Bartee, PhD, LPC-S, LMFT-S

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To Connect or Not To Connect

One of the issues in today’s world of electronic communication is the struggle to connect face-to-face with other people.  We’re all connected electronically, always in constant communication, yet there’s still a barrier preventing the start and growth of interpersonal relationships.

Tom Hank’s character in the movie Castaway experienced extreme lack of connection resulting in befriending and naming a volleyball “Wilson,” his constant companion. The story is fiction, but the state of mind portrayed in the movie was totally accurate. People who lack personal human connection with others struggle with depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness, isolation, and more. Each one of those issues come with its own baggage and struggle, but there is a way to face those issues head-on. Connect with other people.

A connection can come with going to church and getting involved in a small group, a Bible study, an outreach ministry. Maybe the thought of connecting with others sounds daunting. If that’s the case, talking to a professional counselor would help in figuring out things that prohibit making new connections.  

According to Mental Health America, research shows people who participate in regular social interactions are happier, have better health, and live longer. Connecting with other people gives us a bigger view of the world, who we are in it, our personal belonging, and how we can live a full and vibrant life.

Face to face connections can be life-transforming. Everything we do, no matter how big or small, has a ripple effect in our world. Everyone has a place and there is a place for everyone. It’s up to us to decide whether or not we step out and take our place to connect with others.

There are opportunities to connect at The Fountains Fellowship church where there are small group settings, opportunities to serve, and people ready to welcome you. At The Fountains Counseling Center, we would love to walk you through figuring out how to break down barriers that keep you from connecting with others.

Author

Jena Bennett, MA, LPC

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Bipolar 101

Symptoms of bipolar disorder

Most people with bipolar disorder experience periods of mania and depression.

Symptoms of a manic or hypomanic (not a full manic episode) episode include:

• Racing thoughts

• Increased energy

• Elevated or high feeling

• Feeling jumpy or wired

• Speaking faster than usual

• Decreased need for sleep

• Agitation or irritability

• An exaggerated sense of self-confidence, feeling unusually important or talented

• Risk-taking behaviors, such as spending/giving away lots of money, eating or drinking excessively, or having reckless sex

Symptoms of a depressive episode include:

• Feeling sad or hopeless

• Decreased energy

• Sleeping too little or too much, waking up too early, trouble falling asleep

• Difficulty enjoying things that are normally pleasurable

• Forgetfulness

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Eating too much or too little

• Thoughts of death or suicide

If you are having thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, tell a trusted family member or friend AND call 911 or go to the closest emergency room.

Types of Bipolar disorder

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, there are three common types of bipolar disorder.

1. Bipolar I disorder: a manic episode that lasts for seven days or more days; manic episodes are usually severe enough to require hospitalization; manic episodes are often accompanied by depressive periods that last at least two weeks.

2. Bipolar II disorder: a pattern of manic and depressive episodes, where the manic episodes are not severe enough for hospitalization.

3. Cyclothymic Disorder: symptoms of hypomania and depression that last for two years or more (one year in children), but are not severe enough to meet the diagnostic criteria of Bipolar I or II disorder

Treatment

• Find a counselor and attend sessions regularly (this is important!)

• Find a psychiatrist in your area (talk to your counselor/medical doctor for references)

• Try alternative approaches like ketamine infusions, transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy, over the counter supplements (at your own risk)

• Take your bipolar medication regularly (this is very important because people with bipolar will often stop taking medications because they are “feeling better”)

• Keep a daily log of medications taken, moods, and menstrual cycles; share these with your counselor and psychiatrist

• Do exercises/movements that help you relax, focus and reduce stress

• Participate in fun, affirming and creative activities; give yourself something to look forward to

• Create a daily to-do list to cross off (this may allow for dopamine to release in your body and also increase focus)

• Avoid drugs and alcohol as this will aggravate symptoms

• Allow yourself to be exposed to natural light

• Avoid caffeine, sugar, and heavily salted foods

• Change the stimulation in your environment that negatively affects you like bright lights, loud noise, etc.

• Attend a local support group (like www.dbsalliance.org)

If you are in crisis: Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to everyone. All calls are confidential. 

Author

KEZIA DRAKE, MS, LPC

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Self-Care is Not Two 4-Letter Words

From baseball practice to board meetings, I know when I utter the words self-care, our initial response as a society is “Who has the time?”.  However, in order to fulfill ALL our roles, personally and professionally, our bodies require a reserve to pull from.  Coming from a place of packed calendars, emails and full-time accessibility, I desire to dive into the world of our clients.   In there we discover where it’s most feasible to carve out a 5-minute relaxation or mindfulness exercise, find exceptions and identify resources to ensure a better version of self.  This can help bring down the base line, of our already heightened state, to a more manageable mindset and honestly allows us to respond rather than react.  Coming across to those around us in a steadier state of being.   

Here at The Fountains Counseling Center, we spend time with you determining what is feasible for you in your busy schedule.  I will say some of the biggest celebrations I share with clients is making that initial appointment, taking the time to fill out the intake paperwork and a willingness to say “somethings got to give.”  BRAVO!  Let’s identify what that something is and how to make all the things seem more manageable. 

Author

Katie Bowman, MED, LPC

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Finding Happily Ever After

As I have journeyed through my marriage relationship, I have longed to arrive at the city of Happily Ever After. I have had many experiences in my marriage that prompt discouragement and sadly give me a feeling as though I am thousands of miles away from my destination. 

Have you ever thought, “this shouldn’t be this hard?” Maybe you have wondered, as I have said to myself and heard countless times, “if we are compatible, shouldn’t it be easier?”

The truth is like everything else in life, things of value take time and work to find the benefits. You wouldn’t show up to work only 3 days out of the week and then expect your employer to pay you for a full 5 days of work. I am almost certain you wouldn’t have that job very long. Relationships are work. You will see the great rewards of companionship as you work on the relationship.

There are professionals who are ready to listen and help in the hard work of relationships. The counselors at The Fountains Counseling Center love people and thriving relationships, whether they are marriages, friends, relatives, we want to walk with you.

Author

Zach Lowrie, MA LPC

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Why Can’t My Kids Be The Same?

I recall the excitement I felt bringing my firstborn, little bundle of joy, home from the hospital. I knew I wanted to be a father and begin the journey of parenthood. After the first year of ups and downs, doing life with a baby human, I felt I had a good grasp on how to do this adulting, parent thing. My wife and I decided that we wanted to have another child. Well, my second-born for some reason or another, didn’t want to play by the parenting rules I established with the first child.

Does this seem familiar to your experience as a parent? Even now nearly a decade later, with another child in the mix, I find myself needing to constantly reconsider the effectiveness of what works for my firstborn and adjust for the success of the other children in the home.

It is a never-ending classroom of learning as a parent. I want to encourage you, it is what you make it to be.

Remind yourself:

• I am not an expert parent, and that is OK.

• There is not a fantasy world of perfect, problem-free life with my child.

• My personality can be different than my child’s personality and still function.

Here at The Fountains Counseling Center, we love children and we love parents. There is a spot for your kid and you in our office to help your family navigate life’s challenges. Don’t wait to call us and start a rewarding journey.

Author

Zack Lowrie, MA LPC

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